Self-worth is putting personal power back
I think self-worth is a funny thing sometimes.
Self worth to me is defined as bringing your personal power back and being your own best friend, your own parent and cheerleader to uplift yourself.
I struggled with this quite a lot as I only knew how to actually tie my self worth to extenral school achievements like school grades, university exam results and getting my degree. At times I never really knew myself beyond the degree so I would only validated myself through my achievements. I thought by getting the grades and the trophies I would be accepted by society, family and friends. I thought they would only love and care for me if I had that which now thinking about that was so ridiculous. My mum was never really hard on me about grades and things because she knew already I was the biggest and harshest critic on myself and all she gave and still gives me is love and encouragement. She'll always says “Shayniah in this world my only wish is for you is to be happy”. This was very encouraging but also quite demovating. Before you say, "well you must be ungrateful", I will explain😅.
It was demotivating because I did not know how to actually be happy. Beyond the validation of grades. Beyond what people thought of me. Beyond the societal pressures. I was putting many terms and conditions on my happiness.
I used to say while studying during university “Once I get a first class degree, then I will be happy” or “Once I become a clinical trial assiatnt role than I will have a stable income and be happy”. I was tying my happiness and what I thought purpose to the external facors of career and finance. It was what I was taught by in schools, through forcely being in competition with my academic peers, through society deeming to be the perfect career and especially through the outisde noise of social media. People that were my age were getting their first class degree and extras on tops like the rewards, the titles, scholarships and the graduate scheme so fast after graduation. And I thought to myself is it something I was doing wrong? Was it something I lacked? And I worked so hard for this and this is all I get.. piece of paper stating my name and my degree classificaiton. Not gonna lie, I was again in vicitm mindset and very scare mindset.
I had the rose coloured glasses on and after I graduated I was under the stimulation that things must work out for me because utimately I worked hard from it. Don’t get me wrong I love working hard and working for your dreams. But when you lose the light and passions of why you did this in the first place, it starts to cloud your judgement of what are you actaully living and working for? Your freedom? Money? Time?
I defintely had to re-eveulate myself as a person. So, I reflected and asked myself “Who was I before I even got the degree, before I was an high chronic overacheiver, before the perfectionist?”
Identity Beyond Academia
On a plain piece of paper, I wrote everything that mattered to me at that time, like family, friends, my passions, what I loved. But why did I still feel empty?
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